


Generational Gay Panic

by franki_stein



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: But also, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Remus Lupin Is A Great Friend, The Golden Trio, Timeline Switches, and an even better boyfriend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-27 23:41:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19800205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/franki_stein/pseuds/franki_stein
Summary: Sirius Black has recently had the revelation that he *might* be in love with his best friend. This could be an ordeal, specifically because he knows very well that his best friend is in fact, currently chasing after a girl, a girl named Lily. So he goes to Remus to talk some sense into him. Remus had always been good for that.Harry Potter has also had a revelation (about twenty-eight years later), this one just as much as a ordeal as his godfather's, because he has realized he might have fallen for his enemy. So, as him and his godfather have in common, he ends up talking to Remus.





	Generational Gay Panic

**Author's Note:**

> Listen, I know that it's 2019, but I felt nostalgic ok.  
> Um, might break a few hp rules and some of the timeline stuff doesn't make sense but its GAY so just enjoy it.  
> Might be a bit ooc, and canon is just right out the window so have fun :)

"His hair literally looks like silver in sunlight! Silver Remus! And sometimes! In the Great Hall he catches me staring at him and smiles at me!!! How am I supposed to deal with it!"

Remus smiles at the teenage boy in front of him, and empathizes with him.

"Harry, I think you're overreacting just a-"

"Overreacting!!! Hermoine says the same thing but oh my god Remus he's so gorgeous! I'll never be able to talk to him right. He probably thinks I hate him! But in actuality I just can't phantom him ever liking me back so I just react in aggression!"

Remus watched the young boy pace back and forth and repeatedly run his fingers through his hair. He remembers seeing a scene almost exactly like this one. About twenty-eight years before, in the Gryffindor common room.

~~~

"Oh my god Remus, what if I’m in love with him. You know how strange our friendship would get if I was?"

Sirius Black was breathing hard and holding on to the bottle of Firewhiskey so tight Remus was afraid it might break. He was pacing back and forth between his and Remus' bed.

"Sirius I think you should sit down before you trip or something." Remus kept his book open while eyeing the slightly drunk boy worriedly, but not willing to show it. Sirius nodded his head agreeing, he sat very close to Remus.

"I mean why is this so weird? I know he's attractive, is he attractive? Can you, as a straight guy say that you're aware of him being attractive?"

Remus almost laughed.

"I don't know where you got the idea that i'm straight but, I’m very much just as attracted to boys as I am to girls."

Sirius' eyes got really big and he dropped the bottle. Luckily, it simply slid out of his hand and softly onto a pile of forgotten clothing.

"Moony!! How could you have kept this from us!" Sirius nearly yelled. Remus quieted him down.

"Shut up you complete arse, people in the common room are gonna be able to hear at the volume you're yelling."

Remus put his book down and made sure Sirius was making eye contact.

"I never really hid it, I just wasn't very loud about it. Like how you're being, annoyingly so. I think if you think you might be attracted to boys, go with it.” Remus thought about the lurch in his chest when Sirius facial expression changed from fuzzy confusion to curiosity.

“Flirt or something with some boys, consensually, and see what happens. If you enjoy the interactions, and you think these feeling for James are serious, then try to think about what to do next."

"I don't think I’m attracted to boys, I know that much. The only thing I don't know is if I’m also attracted to girls, I've definitely tried to be. But recently, all I can focus on is him." Sirius said a little more seriously. Remus smiled at his friend.

"Well, how do you think James feels about you?" a very contemplative look came across Sirius' face.

"I don't know, what do you think?" he asked Remus, a hint of worry in his eyes.

"I think you're being a tad ridiculous and should just ask. But I know, it's not something you can just bring up randomly without it being terrifying, but you can try." Remus just shrugs.

"But- Lily." Sirius says still looking at his friend.

Remus' features twisted unpleasantly.

"You're right, He's pretty taken with her. I would still talk to him about it. Better than never knowing." He rationalized. Remus really hated this part. The possibility of rejection and hurt and abandonment. He put a hand on Sirius' shoulder and gave him a firm smile.

"If anything, they're both perfectly reasonable people. I happen to know Lily quite well. Maybe, she’ll even be willing to share.” Remus lifted his eyebrow, Sirius rolled his eyes.

“You’re so not helping.”

“I like to think I am actually, before me you were just a drunk bundle of homo panic, do you feel better now?”

Sirius looked annoyed but nodded slowly and his look to Remus went soft.

“You’re very helpful. I appreciate you a lot I hope you know that.”

Remus smiles back at him, this boy he’s known for awhile now, he never thought he’d come out to him quite like this but it works. This boy who had protected him along with his other friends, this boy who’s unruly black hair gave him a striking look. This boy, Sirius, who could completely ruin Remus’ life. And he might just let him.

~~~

Harry Potter never understood Malfoy, the unfortunate attitude he carried with him. How he seemed to make other’s feel less than just because he could. However, since first year he had greatly adjusted his demeanor. Harry couldn’t help but notice how his jabs at Malfoy were mostly met with a raised eyebrow and a slight smirk nowadays. Like he was ready for Harry to give him more.

No more scowls across the Great Hall, he never ran up on Harry in the hallways, asking why he was even in Hogwarts, he simply seemed to stop completely and ignore him.

One day, Harry had quite enough of it. Harry consistently made up reasons for why he wasn’t getting the usual Malfoy treatment.

He must be getting tired of me, Harry thought. He must be aging well, becoming more mature. He couldn’t bare to think so highly of Malfoy, so he decided he would walk right up to him and ask him himself.

He had talked to Hermoine about it of course, because she was always so wise about these sorts of things.

“Harry, we’re almost adults. Don’t you think it’s time to put this certain feud behind you, besides, these days there is so much more to worry about than your bully not bullying you anymore.”

Hermoine was right, there was always a fear looming over Harry. Consistent and damning. Some days, he let it get to him, becomes nothing but what his fear of Voldemort dwindled him down to.

His shook his head and continued his way to the doors of the Great Hall, he knew Malfoy would be coming this way soon. He just had to wait for him to show up. Then he could put this all behind him. Or, that’s what he kept telling himself anyways.

He waited impatiently for Malfoy to arrive and once he did, he wasn’t alone.

Flanked by Pansy and Blaise, they were walking with purpose, talking intensely of something. Harry studied as much of Malfoy’s face as he could. It was concerned, and worried, his eyebrows creased and his lips tightly closed. He was nodding to something Pansy was saying to him, her arms crossed and her own look on her face. However, her’s was held with an apathetic expression. Zabini just looked bored.

They were beginning to get closer to Harry and he readied himself for a confrontation and walked until he was directly in front of Malfoy, stopping the three from going past him.

“Er, Malfoy.” Draco’s face twisted from concerned to confusion mixed with impatience.

“Potter.” he basically spit.

“I need to talk to you.” Harry swore he saw Malfoy’s lip twitch upwards.

“And why is that necessary?”

Harry really didn’t think this through. He was getting frustrated with his lack of words.

“I just-“

Harry shook his head. He was never going to be able to talk to him like a normal person.

“Never mind Malfoy.” He began to turn when Malfoy reached out and grabbed his elbow. His face now looked concerned again, confusion in his big eyes and Harry knew he was looking for much too long.

“We can talk.” His tilted his head towards the wall Harry was leaning on while he waited for Malfoy to appear. Harry was struck with panic.

“You two move along.” Malfoy said to Parkinson and Zabini, who were both much more interested in the conversation now at hand. Malfoy didn’t let go of Harry, in fact he put his other hand on Harry’s other arm, and lead him to a different wall, one much further from the one across from the Great Hall. Somewhere no one would see them.

Before he knew it, Harry was flat against the wall with Malfoy in front of him. He looked expectant and Harry was struck with the realization that he had been the one to start this and therefore was expected to carry it out. He shook Malfoy’s hands off him and shifted so that Malfoy wasn’t so burningly close.

“Well?” Malfoy’s face showed he was almost entertained at Harry’s suffering. Harry knew it was obvious, he was never very good as hiding his emotions.

"I recently realized you stopped being such a prick, wanted to ask what that was all about.” Draco’s eyes got dark and rolled from one side to the other. Harry was faking it, as he usually was. He was completely and utterly unprepared.

“You’re the prick Potter. Is that all you wanted to say to me?” On the ever changing facial expression of Draco Malfoy, he now had an air of resignation about him.

“I could’ve gone without you interrupting me and my friends and had you just yell that at me at any point and time.” Harry’s cheeks were hot and the skin on his hands felt too small for the bones that lie underneath.

“Well, you’re making me nervous, I need some answers.” Malfoy leaned against the wall, staring at the ceiling and shaking his head. As if the impossibly long walls up were disappointing him. Harry analyzed Draco. His posture was crouched and his hands hanging by his sides were shaking. His face looked tired, his hair was perfect, but at the same time there was a messy look to it. Draco always looked perfect, Harry realized. He was always standing tall and straight, his face always a perfect neutral expression.

Harry realized that he had never seen Malfoy like this, it was startling, to experience Malfoy in some sort of relaxed state near him. That was certainly new. Harry was staring again, and Malfoy noticed. He smirked, that was new too.

When Malfoy smirked at him, it was with malice, and intent. Well, it used to. Nowadays there’s a soft look about them, like he was genuinely excited to see what Harry would do next.

“I’m not giving you anything you don’t deserve Potter, you want something from me you need to earn it.”

Harry had a chill run down his spine. The way Malfoy was looking at him, through his entirely too long eyelashes, he wasn’t prepared for this. A large, flashing sign blinked in his head, screaming ‘abort mission!! run now!!’

“I don’t have to do anything for you.” Harry said slowly, trying to stand his ground.

“And I don’t do things for you.” Malfoy responded, straightening out his stance next to Harry. He was much too close for Harry to handle. He could reach out and touch his face, Harry realized.

“I’m leaving.” Harry said, not moving an inch.

“See you later Potter.”

And with that Harry needed some air. He practically ran out the front doors of Hogwarts. He needed to talk to someone he trusted, where was Sirius when you needed him? He realized where he might be, and didn’t even think about it before he snapped himself to 12 Grimmauld Place.

~~~

Remus was gonna lose his mind. If he had to listen to Sirius complain about his budding jealousy of Lily any more than one more minute he was seriously going to commit an amount of murders. And yet, he sat there, with Sirius, on the floor of James’ attic, listening. While James had left them to bother Lily. He said they could stay there though, he wouldn’t be long. And they were both much more comfortable there than at their own houses.

Sirius was very long winded. It was like watching him and James going back and forth on their next brilliant prank idea. Except it was just Sirius, and his explanation on how badly he was dealing with this crush on James. He’d really only been talking about it for a few weeks now, but honestly, can’t he find someone other than their friend to have a crush on. Remus was one to talk he knew but, at least he didn’t bother anyone with his hopeless feelings for Sirius.

“I think I hate being gay.” Sirius said to him, a dramatic look on his face and a sad tone to his voice.

“Oh come on, it’s not that bad, there’s always more blokes out there that have just as good of an ass as James. I promise.” Sirius giggled and pushed Remus’ arm. Remus couldn’t believe Sirius’ giggle. It was the most unfortunately attractive thing about him. From his dark skin that tanned so easily in the sun, to his hair that framed his face in perfect curls, to his eyes that seemed endless. And don’t even get him started on Sirius’ voice. Remus thought he might die if he though too much about how beautiful Sirius Black really was. But, like most things Remus felt, he never really gave it the chance to overwhelm him.

“Why don’t you ever talk about cute boys with me Moony? Don’t you have a crush on someone?”

Remus rolled his eyes, “Stuff it Pads, we’re not twelve.”

“There’s gotta be someone.” Sirius waggled his eyebrows so much Remus feared they’d jump right off his forehead.

“Don’t be a jackass, there is no ‘someone’.”

“If there was, would you tell me?” Sirius asked, curiously. Remus thought his Animagus fit him so well. Specifically because half the time his facial expression matched that of a confused puppy. Remus couldn’t stand it.

“Guess you’ll never know.” Remus smirked.

Sometime later, after James had come back, bringing Peter in tow, they had decided to get up to some mischief and do the muggle teenager thing and get completely smashed on some illegal magic. The ministry wasn’t as strict with minors using their wands outside of hogwarts back in the day. They had filled their empty plastic cups with firewhiskey, well everyone had but Remus, he was more fond of a Chocolate liquor spell that was more difficult but worth it, and were playing a game of Exploding Snap.

So far, Remus and Peter were tied, and Remus was desperate to get his final point which would make him winner. They were a few drinks from wasted when he finally beat Peter and exclaimed, “Ahah!” with his hands in the air.

Proud of himself and sufficed with the night, he asked if the rest of them were ready to turn in.

“Are you kidding Moony? Be more fun, let’s go to the woods or something.” James reached out to Remus with a pleading look. Remus hated when he did that, because he always seemed to win with it.

“This late at night? It’s fucking winter Prongs, we’ll freeze. Are you sure you want to be out there now?” Remus tried to rationalize with the trashed boy that looked desperate for something dangerous to do.

He nodded fast, “It’ll be fun, I promise Moony.”

Sirius spoke up then, saying something different than Remus had expected.

“I’ll stay here with Moony if you and Wormtail wanna go exploring, I’m way too drunk to be doing anything.” He laughed nervously looking from Remus to James.

“Suit yourselves, losers. Me and Wormy are gonna go find something fun to tear up.” James leaped up from the ground and immediately leaned against something for support.

“Get up slower than I did, word of advice.” Remus laughed and shook his head,

“Be careful out there headass.” He got up as well, a slower and more steady speed than James. James and Peter made their way out the window without too much of a ruckus, scared of waking James’ parents.

Sirius looked up at the standing Remus, “can i get a hand Moony?” Remus reveled in the way Sirius was looking at him for the moment, then shrugged.

“Maybe.” Sirius pouted, it was worse than James’. Remus rolled his eyes and stuck out his hand. He pulled Sirius up, who, like James, immediately needed some support to keep him up, and it just so happened that Remus was the closest steady thing, so Sirius grabbed onto him like a life force, and Remus found an understanding in why Sirius said he hated being gay earlier that day.

“I’m a lot more drunk than I thought.” Sirius said under his breath as he leaned against Remus, their arms tangled in each other’s.

Remus laughed, “let’s get you on one of these beds.” There were three beds up in the attic of the Potter’s residence. James had made them for the boys to sleep in while they were there, which to be honest was quite often. His mother had found him transforming her full length mirror into the fourth one and stopped him.

Remus led Sirius carefully to one of them and sat down next to him when he was seated.

“Still feel dizzy?” He asked Sirius, trying to run through the locations of trash bins in this room before Sirius puked all over both of them. Sirius shook his head and turned to face Remus.

“I’m good now.” He had this lopsided grin he had on his face so often. It irked Remus to no end. But only because he couldn’t help how it made him feel, deep in the pit of his stomach.

Remus nodded, “good.” he said lamely.

He wanted to say something, anything to break the silence between them. But there they were, just staring at each other like tipsy idiots. Which, was correct but Remus would rather believe he was more sophisticated than just a drunk idiot. Sirius leaned against Remus once more, his head falling just perfectly on his shoulder, the sides of their legs touching.

“Moony.”

“Yes Sirius?” Remus didn’t like the sound of his voice, it sounded nervous and unsure.

“Why am I so obsessed with James, why can’t I get him out of my head?” He sounded defeated, like this feeling was going to haunt him forever.

“Maybe you just like the idea of your relationship with him. You fantasize about the easiness of your fondness for each other, how well you get along, maybe you want a relationship that mirrors that calm. You never have to worry about how much he likes you, never have to think about what if he changes tomorrow and leaves you in the dust. You’re confident with him. I think you want that in a significant other as well.”

Sirius sighed, long and dramatic.

“You’re so smart Moony.”

“I just observe too much.”

“I hope you know how much I love you.” Remus’ heart froze in his chest. He knew the way Sirius meant it, he loved him too. It was just awhile since he’d heard it aloud.

“I love you too Pads.” They stayed silent for so long Remus thought Sirius had fallen asleep right there leaning against him. But then Sirius spoke up again.

“You’re right, I only like James because of how easy he is to be myself around. One day we’ll find people to love us how we are, and it will be as easy as that.” Remus didn’t understand that much, he was almost just as drunk as Sirius was.

“I’m gonna lay down now, you can sleep with me since there’s only two other beds, I don’t think Prongs will like having to share a bed very well.” Sirius giggled, and began to lay back on the bed, scooting very obviously so that there was room for Remus. They had shared beds before, and it was usually not a big deal, but Remus felt hot, and insecure in his own body suddenly. He slipped in between the covers anyway and faced away from Sirius’ back. Nervously breathing deeply, hoping he’d fall asleep easily and wake up in the same place.

~~~

Harry fell to the ground when he teleported to the House of Black, of course no one calls it that anymore being that the only member of the Black family that lived there was never actually really there. He looked all around for Sirius, he knew there was little chance of him being there but he was desperate. Once he could move from his spot (apparating was still dizzying even after months of practice) he walked through the halls and up the stairs. It seemed no one was here, which was weird seeing as the Order of Phoenix was supposed to be here consistently making plans and figuring shit out.

Harry was frustrated, and confused, he wanted someone to tell him he was normal. That there was nothing wrong with him. And maybe it wasn’t completely true, maybe he was all sorts of fucked up but he needed some comfort. His feelings were all out of wack and his situation sucked, it wasn’t bad enough he had this dark evil villain he had to defeat, he was also going through a sexuality crisis. Why did the universe hate Harry Potter?

He was running through his thoughts a mile a minute and his feet were working even faster, he traveled the impossibly large house finding no one. Then the door opened and he ran to the noise. Remus Lupin was taking off his coat and hanging it up on the hanger beside the door. Harry basically screamed his name.

“Thank god you’re here, I need your help.” He said, panic obvious in his voice. Remus’ face was filled with concern the minute the boy was in his sights.

“Harry? What are you doing here? You’re safest at Hogwarts.” Remus said rushing so that he was closer to Harry.

“No please, I-“ He stuttered for words to explain his predicament without giving himself completely away and just gave Remus a pleading look.

“I really need to talk to someone.”

Remus’ mouth shut tight and nodded. “Don’t tell anyone I let you stay for longer than a minute. Follow me.” Harry’s body filled with relief. Remus lead him to what Harry could guess was his room and sat him down on the bench near the bed.

“What’s this about Harry? Are you in danger?” He asked steadily, not exactly sure if he was qualified to talk this boy through his trauma. Harry shook his head and breathed deep.

“I think I might like boys.” Remus just blinked at Harry with confusion, not the liking boys part, that he understood completely, what confused him was amongst all the crazy shit Harry had to deal with these past few years this was never something he’d thought would bring Harry Potter into a panic.

“Well, you know Harry, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.” Harry nodded along with Remus’ words,

“Yes, no, I know that much, my problem is with who made me curious. I just don’t think I can handle rejection from him, and he could never reciprocate my feelings, I don’t see it at all working out the way I want.” Harry ran his hand through his hair, eyes wide searching for Remus to say something comforting.

Remus thought he understood, Harry could have a crush on Ron maybe? And that could be the reason for all this worry. He could empathize, he had known the fear of falling for a friend.

“Remus, I can never tell anyone, I wasn’t even going to tell you, but Sirius isn’t here and I don’t know where he could be.”

Remus smiled, “Well hopefully I can be just as much of a help. Listen, you don’t have to beat yourself up about this, a lot of people go through having awkward crushes on their friends. It’s completely normal.” '

Harry’s eyes went wider than they already were. “I wish it was that, honestly I do.”

Remus tilted is head, “Well then, if it’s not one of your friends then you really don’t need to worry so much about it, you can just introduce yourself and hang out with this person and eventually if you feel comfortable, just tell them how you feel.” He smiled trying to comfort Harry but Harry shook his head.

“It’s not that easy either, I-“ Harry chewed on his lip.

“I think I might be attracted to Draco.”

Remus honestly didn’t know what was up between the two of them, it had reminded him of James when they were children and picked on Snape, but it was much more fair this time around. Draco and Harry were both very good at standing their ground. I guess they had to be, with all that they’re growing up with.

Remus smiled just a little bit bigger.

“Harry, this is also completely normal. You grew up together fighting and bickering and maybe it was just you two dealing with your feelings in the wrong way. No one can blame you for these fiery feelings turning into something else.” Harry took a deep breath.

“God Remus you’re really the best.” Harry stood up.

“I still don’t know how to handle this though, I mean, he really hates me I think.”

“I hate him too, for making me feel this confused about myself, but I guess I can’t blame him for something he can’t quite control. It’s just frustrating that he’s so pretty to me.”

Harry’s words got faster and desperate and Remus was just going to let them, it would be smarter for him to let out all this pent up emotion in front of him instead of making a rash decision anywhere with anyone else.

“I mean, Remus, his hair is literally perfect all time and I can’t stand it. It looks like silver in the sunlight! Silver Remus!!” Remus laughed to himself. Things never really change, do they? He thought.

~~~

Remus and Sirius were alone, this time they were outside, following a path in the woods that James had showed them once in the Forbidden Forest. The air was getting warmer, but not quite summer, they had just got back from holiday vacation.

Sirius was going on about James again, except this time he was angry. They had fought about something, which was weird in itself. There was rarely a day when those boys didn’t get along, they were essentially perfect for each other. Remus would be lying if he said he wasn’t jealous sometimes.

“I can’t believe he really just, didn’t wanna hang out with me.”

“Well Sirius, sometimes people need alone time, to think and stuff.” Remus explained calmly, he knew Sirius wasn’t actually listening though, he just needed to rant.

“But you know he isn’t going to be _thinking_ by himself, he’s going to be with Lily.”

“Are you jealous?”

Sirius grunted with frustration, “I know, I need to get over him. It’s driving me nuts.”

“I know, so you keep telling me.” Remus looked down at his feet and Sirius stopped walking.

Remus looked back at him, “I say something wrong?”

Sirius shook his head, “No, it’s- you’re right, I’m sorry I bother you with this all the time. You’re such a good friend and I take it for granted sometimes.” Sirius looked, well, serious, and Remus was thankful.

“I don’t mind talking with you about your boy troubles, it’s what gay best friends are for.” He smiled at the boy with the wild hair and he smiled back. Remus thought his heart was gonna beat right out of his chest.

“You know, before the summer, I’m gonna get over James, I promise you.” Remus shrugged,

“I’ll believe it when I see it loverboy.”

“Sod off Moony, why don’t you believe me?” Sirius laughed.

“Because since Christmas you’ve been on and on about James.”

“It’s only been a few months.” Sirius shyly said. Remus laughed,

“We’re gonna need to head back soon, dinner will start without us.”

“Let it, I’m not hungry anyways.” Remus eyes went wide.

“Not hungry? You? Now I really know you’re joking with me.” Sirius smiled at Remus.

“I kinda just wanna keep walking with you.” Remus’ heart couldn’t take this attention. Dinner could fuck itself.

~~~

It was way past curfew by the time they made their way out of the woods. They were laughing and bumping into each other. They had found some creature that was really angry that they were close to it.

“Did you see its teeth?? That thing needs a dentist.”

“Pads, _you_ need a dentist.” they laughed so hard Remus couldn’t breathe and leaned against a tree. Sirius collapsed at his feet. Remus found himself looking up at the sky and searching for the moon.

“How many more days?”

“Got about a week left.” Remus’ voice was heavy, as was his head.

Sirius nodded, “were gonna be there for you, the whole time Moony,” he began to stand up,

“I’ll always be here for you.” He smiled, put his hand on Remus’ arm and gave it a squeeze. Remus covered Sirius’ hand with his own.

“Ah fuck it, c’mere.” Sirius pulled Remus into a hug, one hand in the back of his head, the other around his shoulders.

“You’re my best friend.” Remus said, softly, putting his own arms around Sirius. Something in Sirius’ chest sparked, in a split second there was a force, a feeling of need. He knew that he was gonna keep Remus safe if it killed him. He realized he couldn’t live without him. He would always look after Remus, no matter what it took. He squeezed Remus harder and let the emotion flow through him.

Later, as they started to actually try to get themselves back into the castle, Sirius began talking, as he so often does.

“We should do stuff alone more often Moony, I really like spending time with you.” He smiled softly and Remus returned it.

“Ah yes, we should anger dangerous creatures in the Forbidden Forest after curfew so much more.” He said sarcastically.

Sirius rolled his eyes, “Doesn’t have to be in the forest, we can find other places to spend our time alone in.” Remus looked at Sirius, his eyes sparkled something beautiful. Remus really wanted Sirius to want to be alone with him. There was a little hope blooming in his heart, he was trying not to let it get out of control.

“How the fuck are we getting back in?” Sirius suddenly asked looking up the wall of the castle.

Remus bit his lip, “Well, I know some tunnels we could get into.” He raised his eyebrow at Sirius.

“We should really make a map, so we know how to sneak around.” Remus laughed as they walked down to the tunnels under the castle.

“What? I’m serious Moony!”

~~~

“I think you really could just, talk to him.” Remus explained calmly to a very Not Calm Harry. Harry bit his lip hard and his eyebrows scrunched up on his forehead. Before he could get a word in there was a noise downstairs.

“Blimey, stay here Harry, I’ll go see who it is.” Remus left swiftly and Harry finally stopped pacing. He wondered who would be here, perhaps Mrs. Weasley, she would really eat her hat if she saw him. The door to the room burst open from where Remus had left it, Harry’s chest lurched forward in a panic but instantly he smiled once he saw who was in the doorway.

“Sirius!!” He basically jumped the man into a hug, he could hear Sirius laughing deeply, and pushed Harry from his chest to get a look at him. His smile was big and his hair was wild.

“Harry what are you doing here?” He didn’t look angry, or worried, he looked ecstatic.

“I-“

His smile faltered and he looked behind his godfather, Remus was smiling and nodding encouragingly.

“I came here because I wanted to talk to you, but Remus was the only one here.”

“I’m sure he did better than I could have, he’s excellent at talking to people, one the reasons I love him probably.” Sirius looked back to Remus and winked. Remus really felt bad for the kid now, he warned Remus of his feelings and that he was in need of some comfort, he didn’t think he would share this particular relatable fact. Harry’s eyes went from Remus to Sirius, back to Remus and then one more time to Sirius. Realization flooded his face and Remus shook his head, surely there was a kinder way to share this with Harry.

“You mean-“ He said slowly, Sirius nodded his head and reached his arm around Remus’ shoulders,

“I do mean, me and this bloke have been together since before the first war.”

“That’s- I should’ve realized, honestly.” Harry smiled up at both of them. Remus and Sirius both laughed. Harry felt comforted by their relationship, that maybe he could feel hope for his hopeless feelings.

~~~

Remus was worrying his lip between his teeth, Sirius had left him a note on his bunk that said he needed to meet up with him urgently. Remus had basically ran to the Forbidden Forest after his last class, Sirius was not present the whole time. And now he was here, waiting for this urgent discussion Sirius needed him for. For a moment he thought perhaps the other boys were going to pull a prank on him, which had happened once before, after Remus had pulled one on James and Sirius back, they invited him to be friends with them and never tried anything again.

“Moony!” He heard behind him, before being pulled hard in the direction of inside the forest.

“Where have you been?” Remus, angry that Sirius had made him wait so long without explaining, yelled in his face.

“I’m sorry for making you wait, I have something to show you.” Sirius’ smile was wide, and he grabbed his hand before moving foreword, deeper into the forest.

“Sirius, it’s hot and we’ll miss dinner again if we’re out too long.” Remus complained but not letting go of Sirius.

“It’s worth it, I promise.” Sirius said, not looking back at Remus. Remus sighed and let him lead wherever he was taking them.

Sirius didn’t let go until they made it to a wide and beautiful pond. It was almost sunset. The trees and the colorful sky were reflected on the water, there were bright bugs dancing around them in the air. There was a blanket laid out and a basket sitting near the pond and Sirius looked at Remus’ face. It must’ve been a funny sight because Sirius’ smile was growing by the second. Sirius led him a little further to the blanket, and told him to sit with him. They both settled themselves into spots on the blanket. Close, but not close enough to be touching. Sirius picked up the basket, he began taking out the contents, there were foods that would usually be at dinner in the Great Hall.

“Sirius, where’d you get all this food?”

He shrugged mischievously, “There’s an elf in the kitchen who likes me, I sneak her clothes sometimes.” Remus shook his head at the boy who held his heart. They’ve been growing closer than they ever were in the last few months, Sirius began siting next to him in every class and spent time with him even when Remus said he wanted to study. Sometimes he would read, or just sit there quietly and watch Remus do whatever he was doing.

Remus couldn’t help the pull of his heart, “this is very sweet.” He said softly Sirius looked proud, and happy that Remus was appreciating his effort.

“I wanted to give you something to distract you from the next few days,” Remus knew what he meant, and he appreciated it, the full moon was always really hard to go through. Sirius’ eyes then became soft,

“There was also something I wanted to tell you Remus,” Sirius said above a whisper, Remus had never heard his voice like this. Sirius had never been nervous to talk to him before. He also very rarely called him his birth name, it felt weird. He handed Remus a Butterbeer from the basket and then looked down at his hands.

Remus had a lump in his throat and asked “what is it Pads?” very softly.

“I know it may be silly, and maybe awkward,” Remus’ lump in his throat grew two sizes too big and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. Sirius looked up into Remus’ eyes, so that he knew this was significant. “but I think I want to kiss you.” Remus didn’t know if he actually heard that right, his heart was thumping so hard he could barely hear anything else.

“It’s okay if you don’t want me to-“ Sirius’ words were muffled by Remus moving to press his lips to Sirius’. It was quick, Sirius almost couldn’t believe it was real because there Remus was, just sitting back where he was eyeing Sirius and biting his lip.

“You have to promise me something.” Remus said, holding his hand out for Sirius.

“I can’t just be someone to fill in what you feel for James. You can’t use me for that.” Sirius shook his head, grabbing Remus’ hand.

“No, what I’ve been feeling for you is completely different.” Remus starred into Sirius’ eyes, trying to determine whether he was genuine. So far, he believed him.

“Alright.” Remus smiled and moved to kiss Sirius again. This time Sirius held onto him so that it would linger. They kissed for awhile, the sun setting in front of them. It was beautiful, and Remus felt the love in his chest bloom as Sirius deepened the kiss.

~~~

“Woah, okay, yeah that makes sense.” Harry said, mainly to himself as he sat himself down on the bench once more.

Sirius went to sit with him and put his hand on his shoulder, “this thing with Malfoy, it could go two ways.” He smiled at Harry, who was worrying his hands through his hair once more.

“You will either get to confess your feelings and things will go great, maybe you’ll have some sort of cinematic moment.” He looked up to Remus, who was smiling down at the two.

“Or you’ll just get rejected and ignore him for the rest of your life,” Harry looked up with panic in his eyes to Sirius who was chuckling, “but no matter what ends up happening between you two, you have to be upfront about your feelings and not repress it.”

Harry nodded along with Sirius’ words, understanding that there’s no backwards with this. He had to confront Malfoy.

~~~

Harry was going to have a panic attack. He’d had a few before but this one was really taking a toll. He sat down on the couch in the middle of the Gryffindor common room and breathed. He didn’t know how, or when exactly, but he had to get Malfoy alone. It was easy enough the first time, before he really understood his feelings but now, now he had to do it with a full plan of what he was going to say to Malfoy, and prepare for however he was going to respond.

He needed to tell Ron and Hermoine. Which was his first step, he was going to tell them as soon as they entered the common room, any moment now.

“Harry?” Hermoine got his attention by waving her hands in his face, “you okay?” she asked, concern written in her features.

“Yeah mate, you in there?” Ron’s unmistakable voice came from behind her.

Harry nodded before patting the seats on either side of him, “sit down with me.” he said, hoping the panic wasn’t too obvious. They looked at each other and seemed to communicate without words before sitting down on either side of Harry.

“You okay?” Hermoine asked once more, putting her hand on his.

“Yeah, just bare with me here. I need to tell you guys something and I’m not exactly sure how you’ll react.” He said looking from both of them to his hands.

“Well, whatever it is Harry, we’re here for you.” Hermoine nodded to Ron for him to say something too.

“Right, we got your back mate, what she said.” He smiled lopsidedly. Harry knew he meant it, he might be the best at conveying it but Harry understood the level of care Ron held for him. Harry took a deep breath.

“Imighthaveaslightcrushonmalfoy”

He said it so fast he barely comprehended what he said himself. Still, he looked to his two friends to see if they caught anything.

Ron looked confused, “was that a spell or something?”

Hermoine just shook her head and squeezed Harry’s hand, “no you twit, he said he has feelings for Malfoy.” She whispered, Harry was thankful that she was much more situationally aware than Ron. There _were_ others in the common room. Ron’s eyes went wide.

“You mean you like blokes?” Harry nodded slowly, watching Ron’s expression, searching for any negative reaction. He shrugged.

“Long as you’re not trying to shag my siblings.”

Harry laughed, “Merlin no. I really don’t know if I’m, y’know, fully gay or if I like girls too but, I know these feelings for Malfoy aren’t necessarily the straight kind.”

Ron nodded, “if any two people were meant to have such a dramatic relationship, it would be you two.”

Hermoine once more shook her head. “Do you even know how to be comforting?” Harry laughed once more.

“So you guys aren’t really freaked out by this? I mean I know I was.” Hermoine bit her lip as she was thinking of the right thing to say.

“Well Harry, only you truly know your feelings, as your best friends, we’re here to support you through everything.”

She pointed her finger up, “even something as unlikely as having a crush on the boy you’ve been bickering about since first year.” She and Ron smiled at Harry, who felt the relief flood his system and he finally relaxed a little.

“Great, now I need your help on how in hell I’m gonna tell him.”

They both looked at Harry with a mix of shock and uncertainty.

~~~

Harry was ready, as he keeps telling himself. He realistically never felt ready for just about anything in his life.

He passed Malfoy on his way to their potions class, trying to catch up to Hermoine and Ron. He didn’t know how he could stand both Snape and Malfoy in this classroom at the same time for five years. He tried not to look at him. He really did. But it was so difficult not to when he could feel Malfoy’s eyes following his every move.

He shivered as he seated himself next to his friends.

The class was normal, even Snape was being quiet.

Gave them an assignment and then fucked off to his desk, didn’t even hover to make fun of how badly Harry was doing. Hermoine helped him as she told him exactly what to do, and he followed every order.

He took a minute to find Malfoy, his eyes scanning until he saw him. He looked focused and Harry stared for entirely too long before his eyes trailed to Malfoy’s hands. They were much like everything else about Malfoy; slender, pale, and perfect. Hermoine nudged him and nodded to their cauldron.

“I know you’re distracted but that’s not going to help our potion. Focus, Harry, deal with your unfortunate crush later.” Harry didn’t take it personally, he knew she was only stressed about making this potion passable.

At the end of the class, Snape checked their cauldrons and dismissed them.

“Your homework is to write an essay on how your potion should work, tomorrow we’ll see if they do.”

Harry practically ran out, it was always a relief to get out of the dungeons.

Hermoine and Ron were ahead of him, only by a few feet when he felt someone touching his back.

“Potter, we need to talk.” It was Malfoy, he didn’t look angry, or happy, he looked mildly agitated at most.

Hermoine and Ron stopped to turn around. Hermoine looked skeptical and Ron looked worried but Harry told them he would catch up, to not worry. They didn’t say a word as they continued down the hall.

Harry faced Malfoy and crossed his arms. “What do you need?”

He tried to keep his voice steady but in all honesty he knew he couldn’t keep anything hidden when it came to his feelings. Malfoy’s expression was challenging, Harry was very familiar with this. Malfoy looked from one end of the hall to the other. They were completely alone. Whatever Malfoy was planning on doing to him, he wasn’t going to have any witnesses.

“I saw you staring Potter, I know you’re borderline obsessed with me but really, you should learn to keep your eyes on your own cauldron.”

Harry’s stance faltered, “I-“

Malfoy shook his head, “don’t bother denying it, I’m not blind.” Harry didn’t know what to say, he was angry that Malfoy could make him feel so helpless and defeated.

“Honestly Potter, are you finally planning on my ultimate doom or what?”

“What? No, I just-“ Harry was left speechless, he wasn’t sure how to continue this conversation, he wished Sirius or Remus were there with him, but he just said what he usually thought of with Draco around.

“Fuck you Malfoy.”

He started to turn but was pushed towards the wall behind him. Malfoy was close again, almost as close as he was that day in front of the Great Hall. Harry felt like he couldn’t breathe and his heart was hammering in his chest. Malfoy looked pleased, his eyebrow crooked and an evil smirk on his face.

“Fuck me yourself, coward.”

Harry’s eyes went wide and anger boiled in his chest, what in Merlin’s world made him say that? Why in hell, of all the creative things Malfoy could’ve spit at him, did he have to say that?

Harry wasn’t exactly sure what happened next all he knew was that _he_ was the one that had pinned Malfoy to the wall now.

“What did you say?” He asked Malfoy slowly, searching his eyes for a hint of whatever he was playing at. Malfoy’s lips were curled and his hands were on Harry’s arms where he was holding Malfoy’s shoulders.

“You heard what I said. I’m not saying it again for your entertainment.” Draco barely said, his eyes looked wild, Harry could basically feel his excitement for what would come next.

“Stop fucking around, what do you want?” Harry asked desperately, he felt Malfoy’s hands squeeze his arms tighter and they flipped again. Harry couldn’t find it in him to be disappointed.

“You, stupid git.” Their faces were so close, there were only a few inches in between their noses. Harry was breathless, his heart hadn’t stopped beating so hard he was afraid it might jump out of his chest, which he felt, wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

“Oh screw it.” Malfoy whispered into Harry’s face and then closed the few inches of space between them.

Malfoy was kissing Harry. Harry wasn’t quite sure what to do, he’d kissed Cho sure, but this was Draco Malfoy.

He kissed back as best as he good but to be honest, there was only so much control he had, seeing as Malfoy was still pushing him onto the wall. Harry decided he should be able to have some control, and reach his hands into Malfoy’s hair and gently pulled the strands at the bottom of his neck.

Malfoy let go of his shoulders where he was holding him to the wall and grabbed his hands instead, putting them above Harry’s head. This was a dream, or a nightmare, it had to be. Harry wasn’t sure which one he would rather it be.

Malfoy but at his bottom lip and kissed him harder. And then he stopped. He took a step backwards from Harry and looked him up and down.

“You look a mess Potter.” Harry guessed he was right, but Malfoy’s perfect hair was also a mess, and his lips were red, and his cheeks flushed. Harry thought he looked beautiful.

“You too Malfoy.” They smiled at each other. Harry could’ve passed out then and there. In what world did Harry and Draco smile at each other?

“We should do this more often.” For a second, Harry was afraid Malfoy would just walk off, and pretend it didn’t happen. But then he began leaning against the wall, right beside Harry.

“We should talk about it shouldn’t we?” Harry asked, quietly and embarrassed.

Malfoy sighed, “I suppose we should.” He sank deeper into the wall it seemed, but then his hand reached over to Harry.

“However, can’t we just kiss a little bit more before bring in all the feelings and such?” He asked, lacing his fingers into Harry’s. He looked at Harry with fondness, something that Harry thought he could become quite used to.

Harry nodded, “I think that’s perfectly appropriate.” Malfoy smiled wider and placed a kiss on Harry’s hand before pulling Harry closer and kissing his cheek.

“Meet me somewhere, after lights out, I’ll leave a note.” There was a glint in his eyes, mischievous and daring. Harry could look at him forever he realized.

“How will I know where to find it?” He asked, not looking away.

“You’ll know, I promise.” He gave Harry’s hand a squeeze before pushing himself off the wall. He stood up straight and before turning to leave he got close to Harry once more, and whispered in his ear.

“See you later Harry.”

And before Harry could respond, he had disappeared and turned the corner at the end of the hallway.

Harry crouched down on the floor and just breathed for a few minutes. He had to tell Sirius, he _had_ to tell Ron and Hermoine!

He wasn’t sure if he was ecstatic or terrified, perhaps a mix of both. But he did know that he was in fact, in love with kissing Draco Malfoy.


End file.
